


How do I apologize?

by ArabellaTurner



Series: How Do I? [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, College, Eventual Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Forgiveness, M/M, Not technically a couple yet, Party, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 19:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17627900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArabellaTurner/pseuds/ArabellaTurner
Summary: When Evan is accepted to the same college as Jared, he tries reaching out in hopes of rekindling their friendship. Jared agrees to try again, but only if Evan is willing to prove how sorry he is.Now Evan Hansen must attend a party with Jared. Will he be able to handle it and restore their friendship? Is it even worth it? Does Jared even care about him? Does he even care about Jared?





	1. At the doorstep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has agreed to go to the party with Jared, but is he really up to the challenge?

Evan fidgeted as he walked up to the door. He was already feeling uncomfortable in the too-tight jeans and scratchy T-shirt, but Jared had said that his normal clothes weren’t suitable for an event like this. Evan took a deep breath, trying his best to calm himself. It was only for a few hours. If he could survive just a few hours at the party, then Jared would forgive him and the two of them would go back to being friends.

——————

When Jared had learned that Evan was going to the same college as him, he was furious. He was just starting to maybe get over Evan a little bit and maybe starting to gain a little bit of social status when suddenly Evan appeared in his life again to destroy everything. Yet he had looked so sad and earnest when he said he missed him. After almost a year and a half of nothing, Evan suddenly missed him? It just didn’t seem right. Jared refused to believe Evan actually cared. It was far more likely he was scared of going to college and wanted Jared’s help, but Jared had no intention of letting him off the hook so easily, so here they were, at the first big party of the year. 

Jared had never actually worked up the courage to go to one of these parties before, but with Evan by his side, he was ready to try. To be honest, he was a little surprised that Evan had actually agreed to come. He figured when he made the request, Evan would back out, but he was surprisingly determined. Oh well. Jared was still sure that he would give up after a few minutes in there.

—————

Evan still couldn’t believe he was at a party. A place with loud music, crowded quarters, body heat, and the smell of alcohol was pretty much the worst idea Evan could come up with. He had to stop thinking about it before he gave himself a panic attack before even entering. He forced himself to remember that this was just a means to an end. He wasn’t at this party to enjoy the party, but rather to be there for Jared. 

Evan had missed Jared for quite some time now, but always assumed that Jared would be happier without him. So when Jared offered Evan a second chance, he happily accepted. All he had to do was prove to Jared that he was willing to push himself for his sake the same way Jared had been there for him when they were writing the letters. Unfortunately what Jared wanted was a companion to go partying. He had promised Evan that if he stayed with him the entire party, then he would accept that Evan was actually sorry and would take him back. 

Evan knew it was a bad deal. After all, Jared had hurt him just as much as he had hurt Jared. Yet Evan was lonely and scared and a friend was what he needed most in the world right now. Not that he didn’t also genuinely want to make things right. So, keeping in mind the friendship on the line, Evan followed Jared inside the house.


	2. Overload

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan quickly finds himself overwhelmed, but is determined to stick things out. Only something doesn't seem quite right.

The second Jared stepped inside the party, he felt a pang of guilt rise up inside of him. He didn’t even have to look over to know how badly Evan was doing already. This was everything he hated. Jared knew that things would be like this, but he hadn’t realized just how intense it all was. For a second he debated telling Evan to forget it. It was enough that he showed up and was willing to try this. But then Jared thought back to how lonely he felt when Evan ignored him. He remembered how much it hurt to be used and tossed aside and he decided that Evan would have to do better than just showing up to win him back. Besides, as much as Jared hated to admit it, he was scared to go alone.

———-

Evan could practically feel the walls closing in on him. Every fiber of his being told him to get out of there, yet he found himself unable to move. If he left now, Jared would be gone forever. Evan forced himself to move forward. All he had to do was find somewhere quieter to hide until the party was over. It was unlikely that Jared would want to hang out with him now that they were here, so Evan was pretty sure he didn’t need to be out in the open.

“Come on Ev!” Jared shouted grabbing Evan’s arm and pulling him deeper into the crowd. “Let’s go have some fun!” 

Every time he brushed up against someone, it felt like fire to Evan. He could feel the music pulsating in his bones and the lighting was dizzying. Evan focused on his breathing. It was the only thing keeping him for having a full on panic attack. He wasn’t really sure why Jared still wanted his company now that they were here, but he figured it must all be part of the test; was he willing to endure this for Jared’s sake?

Was he willing to endure this for Jared’s sake? Was he actually worth it? Evan wondered if this was actually going to help him at all or if he was just putting himself through hell so that Jared could laugh at him later. Would Jared actually take him back? Did he want Jared back?

Evan felt Jared shoving something into his hands. It was a cup of something. Without really thinking about it, Evan downed the cup in a single gulp. The liquid burned as it went down his throat, but everything seemed to burn to Evan at the moment, so he barely registered what he had just done.

————-

Jared had exactly one goal in mind as he pulled Evan deeper into the party. They needed alcohol. Jared knew that he was much better at interacting with others once he was a bit tipsy. He hoped Evan would be the same way. He had never actually seen Evan drink before, but he figured it might loosen him up a little. Maybe he could even enjoy himself a bit!

Jared hadn’t expected Evan to down the drink so fast. He wasn’t sure what was in it, but whatever it was, it was strong enough that the fruit juice mixed in hardly hid the alcoholic flavor. He hoped Evan was going to be alright.

Before he could get too worried about Evan, however, Jared felt himself get pulled into a dance by a particularly drunk girl. Despite having never been attracted to a girl before, Jared was still a complete closet-case and was therefore determined to make the most out of his time with this hot girl. 

Jared lost sight of Evan as he and the girl were joined by other dancers. This was fun! Maybe he should go out partying more often! The music was too loud to really talk to people and everyone was too drunk to care how much of a loser he was.

——— 

Evan’s head felt funny. His thoughts started to swim around and his vision went blurry. Evan didn’t realize it, but his whole body was starting to shake. He tried to take a step forward and get to somewhere a little less overwhelming, but felt himself trip and crash into someone. 

Beer sprayed both of them as the girl’s cup went flying into the air. Cursing, she shoved Evan off and demanded to know what was wrong with him. Evan tried to process the words she was saying, but couldn’t figure out what they meant. He stared at her in pain and confusion.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” she demanded. “Are you like retarded or something?” “Hey, this asshole bothering you?” a guy demanded, sliding up next to the girl. “The fucker pushed me and spilled my drink everywhere!” she complained. “Hey, how dare you touch my girl like that! You’re going to pay!” 

The punch knocked Evan off his feet and sent him violently to the floor. Fortunately for Evan, the couple decided he had been punished enough and moved on. Unfortunately for him, now that Evan was down on the floor, he was no longer able to get back up. He hugged his knees tightly and prayed that it would all be over soon.

———— 

When Jared eventually got tired of dancing, he decided to look for Evan and see how he was doing. He figured that he had found somewhere a little quieter and was hanging out there. The party was loud and a little over-stimulating for even him, so he knew it would be a lot for Evan to handle. 

Once again a feeling of guilt crept up into Jared’s stomach. He was the reason why Evan was here after all. This time the guilt wasn’t so easy to push aside and Jared eventually decided that once he found Evan, the two of them could head out. Evan has done a good job of putting up with discomfort to prove his dedication to their friendship and Jared was willing to start over with him. Maybe this time he could even be a good friend in return.

Now he just had to find him. He checked every bathroom, bedroom, and corner but couldn’t find him anywhere. Had Evan stayed in the main area this whole time? As Jared was starting to wonder if maybe Evan had just left, he noticed a small crowd of people gathered in a circle. What was going on over there?

Jared could hear the sounds of laughter as he got closer. “Wow! Look at that guy!” he heard someone say. “Yikes. He’s really fucked up!” another added. “Do you think we should maybe get him some help?” a slightly nicer person asked. She looked worried, but didn’t move from where she was standing.

Jared pushes his way past the other people to the center of the circle. In the middle, Evan was sitting on the ground, clutching his knees and struggling to breath. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and sometimes he made a sort of strangled sound that sounded suspiciously like Jared’s name.

Jared shoved his way through the crowd. “What the fuck is wrong with you all?!” He screamed. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. “Can’t you see he’s having a panic attack? How can you just stand there like he’s some sort of a spectacle? He isn’t just some weird drunk and anyways, if someone is actually that drunk, shouldn’t you help them? Why is this even interesting to you? Do you just enjoy watching him suffer? Are your lives so sad and pitiful that you need to validate yourselves by seeing someone else in pain?” 

Jaded realized that he was no longer talking to the crowd, but rather to himself. What kind of a person was he? He dragged Evan along to somewhere that would clearly agitate his anxiety, gave him alcohol, then abandoned him. Wait. He gave him alcohol. In a place where Evan would be extra anxious. Fuck. Evan has probably taken some sort of medicine. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Jared had seen Evan have panic attacks before, but not like this. It was likely there was some sort of reaction between the medicine and the alcohol. Evan was already super out of sorts when Jared handed it to him, so he probably didn’t even register what might happen.

Although Evan was bigger than Jared and Jared wasn’t exactly the strongest person, he managed to drag Evan out of the party without too much difficulty. Once they made it outside, Jared immediately called 911. He knew that doing this would probably get the party shut down and get him perma-banned from all others, but at the moment all that mattered was Evan and Jared was too drunk to drive him to the hospital himself.

As Jared waited for the ambulance to arrive, someone on the other end coached him through helping Evan. Jared realized with horror that without the help, he would have had no idea what to do. He had know Evan for so long, yet he had never really bothered to be there for him. Panic crept up into his voice, and the operator on the phone told him he needed to remain calm. Help was coming and Evan would respond better to a calm voice. 

Fortunately for both of them, the sound of sirens could be heard a few seconds later. The music was apparently too loud in the party for anyone to notice the cops were arriving, but he figured they would all be running out in a minute and was glad he had moved Evan to the other side of the street. Sure enough, a few seconds later he could hear mass panic and a few people started to run out.

As the police made their way to the party, the medics made their way to Jared and Evan. Evan was loaded up into the ambulance and Jared was given permission to ride with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ironically enough, the subject matter I am the least familiar with there is what a college party would be like. I attempted to base Evan's reactions off the real life ones of people I know, but I do't really know anyone who parties to ask about that half!


	3. Hospital bed musings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan wake up in a hospital room and reflect on the night before. What happened that night and is there any salvaging their friendship?

The next few hours were a blur, but Jared eventually found himself waking up in a chair near Evan’s hospital bed. Evan was sleeping peacefully and had an IV drip of something. Jared sat up and immediately regretted it. His head throbbed from the combination of stress and alcohol he had consumed the night before. He whole body ached with guilt and self-hatred. He was never going to forgive himself for what he had done. As Jared sat there loathing himself, he slowly drifted back off to sleep.

————

When Evan finally woke back up, he noticed that his jaw was a bit sore and his head throbbed. He tried to remember what had happened the night before. He knew he had gone to a party with Jared and he was pretty sure that he had gotten hit at some point, but everything else was a blur of noise and pain.

Evan felt like shit. Everything hurt and now that he was at the hospital everyone would know what had happened to him. His mom would be so disappointed in him for doing something so stupid and everyone at the party would hate him for ruining it, including Jared. Especially Jared.

Evan felt a wide range of emotions swell through him. He was mad at himself for ruining any chances he had at mending their friendship, scared of what the fallout would mean, and disappointed that all his efforts were for nothing. Mostly though he felt a seething anger burning in him towards Jared. Jared had never planned on taking him back, did he? It was all just some sick joke. Why did he even want Jared back so badly anyways? He hadn’t ever really been a good friend to Evan. Sure Evan was scared and lonely, but Jared wasn’t actually going to make things better. And why did Evan need to be the one to apologize in the first place? Of the two of them, wasn’t Jared the worse one?

Evan felt like a fool. He had been used and played by someone who felt nothing for him, but he had been so desperate and lonely that he had willingly walked right into it. Evan began to cry. What started as sniffles slowly turned into sobs. Just as Evan felt like his heart might burst, he felt something grab onto his hand. He let out a cry and for the first time since waking up looked over to his right. 

————

Jared’s sleep had been restless and painful, but eventually he realized that the crying he heard wasn’t actually coming from his head. Looking up, he saw Evan awake and sobbing. Jared didn’t know what to do. This was all his fault and he knew it. He assumed that Evan would never want to see him again, but he also knew that Evan was in a lot of pain and a little bit of kindness might outweigh the desire to be rid of him, at least for the time being.

Evan let out a cry when he touched his hand, causing Jared to immediately let go. He wondered if he should just leave. Maybe it would be better if he wasn’t there. Before he could move to leave, Evan locked eyes with him. 

Jared had never seen so much pain on one person’s face before. It was clear that this was far more complex than just a headache and the pain from his slightly swollen lip. This was all the pain and anger Evan had ever stored away at Jared and possibly some of the pain and anger at himself for his anxiety. Evan was breaking at the seams and it was all Jared’s fault.

Jared wondered if this what what Evan felt like when he told the Murphy’s the truth. Completely lost, miserable, helpless, and totally unsure where to even start. How could one ever apologize for years of abuse?

Jared then realized he was thinking about it all wrong. He was apologizing, not begging for forgiveness. You had to plan what you said when you asked for forgiveness, but an apology was simply an emotion dump. It was where you admitted you were wrong and accepted whatever they other person did to you in return. And if Evan didn’t want to hear it, that was his right. If Evan wanted to scream and shout and beat the shit out of Jared, honestly that was his right too. Jared had lost all rights in their relationship and it was time for him to admit that.

————

It took Evan a few seconds to register the words that left Jared’s mouth. In all 12 years they had know each other, Evan wasn’t sure if he had ever heard Jared apologize to him. Yet that was definitely what he said. “I’m sorry, Evan,” he had whispered. “I am so sorry!”

Evan listened silently as Jared continued to apologize. He apologized first for the party the night before, but then began to apologize for the way he treated Evan as they grew up.

“I’m sorry I called you my family friend, Evan. That’s not what you were. Well, I mean you were my family friend, but you were so much more than that. You were my best friend, my only friend. You still are. And my mom never paid for my car insurance. That was always just an excuse to be with you. And why did I need an excuse you might ask? Because I was so fucking scared! I was scared if I got too close to you, you would realize how much of a loser I was and leave me, so I pushed you away instead. Only you always stood by me and I loved you for it. I wanted to be with you so badly. Yet that desire only made me hurt you more. It was a horrible and vicious cycle that cause only pain and I am so, so, so sorry for it.” 

Even wasn’t sure what to make of this. Just minutes ago he had decided he hated Jared, yet now he sort of wanted to hug him. A darker part of himself wondered for a few seconds of Jared was just messing with him, but he quickly dismissed that thought. Jared had never shown that much emotion before in his life and Evan knew there was no way this could ever be faked.

“And I’m so sorry about the Connor Project thing,” Jared continued. “I thought my advice would help, or at the very least not hurt. I should have shown more concern though and offered more help. Hell, if I had been nicer earlier that day, maybe the whole thing wouldn’t have been and issue! And I’m sorry I was jealous. It’s not you fault you wanted to be around people who were actually nice to you instead of an asshole like me! I told you to remember who your friends were, and you did. I just wasn’t actually one of them. I’m so sorry Evan. I was angry at you for so long, yet I had no reason to be. I tried to make you apologize to me for the pain you caused me, yet my pain was nothing compared to what I did to you, even before I outright tortured you last night.

I understand if you never want to speak to me ever again, Evan. I just need you to know that I’m sorry and that you do matter to me and always have. I read your letter, you know. In it you asked if anyone would care if you disappeared. I would. I would be devastated if something happened to you. Seeing you hurt like that last night, was the scariest moment of my life. I would never forgive myself if I let something happen to you. I’ll never forgive myself for putting you in danger like that. I’m sorry, Evan. I’m so, so sorry!”

Despite his better judgement, Evan found himself reaching out towards Jared. Jared stared back at him with such a pathetic look. He was completely lost in pain and self hatred. Evan realized that if he simply forgave Jared there, nothing would ever get better. Sure, maybe Jared wouldn’t bully him anymore, but they would never heal.

Therefore, as Evan’s hand approached Jared’s face, instead of wiping away his tears as he originally planned, Evan reared back and slapped him hard across the mouth. Jared looked at him it surprise, yet there was no anger on his face and his eyes seemed a little bit more focused than they had before.

“Enough!” Evan cried out. “For once in your life, just shut up! Do you really think that saying you hate yourself would make me feel better? Hearing you apologize means so much to me and hearing that you actually like me means even more, but I don’t want to hear you beat yourself up. You fucked a few things up, yeah, I agree, but I fucked some things up too. I hurt you senior year, I know I did. I used you and left you and I’m sorry about it. Neither of us are perfect, Jared. We both hurt each other. I don’t need you to tell me that you feel bad about what you did, I just want to know that things will be different.”

Jared began to sob. “Oh Evan, of course things will be different. You are so, so important to me and I’m going to start treating you that way. Last night you proved to me that you would go out of your way for my sake. I want to prove to you that I would do the same. I want to be the sort of person whom you can go to for anything.”

Evan shook his head. “What I did last night was as much for me as it was for you. I wanted a friend here at college and I thought that you would be the easiest choice. I mean, I really did miss you, but it wasn’t a selfless action.” “And it shouldn’t have been,” Jared argued. “You don’t owe me anything, Evan. A friendship should be mutualistic. There’s nothing wrong with that. The only real problem about last night is that friendships are based on compromise, not sacrifice. I forced you to sacrifice your comfort to appease me and that’s not okay.”

Evan gently squeezed Jared’s hand. “We really are a mess, aren’t we?” Jared nodded. Evan then held out his arms and smiled as Jared collapsed into them. The two boys sat there, hugging and crying, until they heard a commotion outside the hospital room.

Jared felt himself being pried away by his mom and Heidi threw her arms protectively around Evan. Jared yelped in pain as his mom pulled on his ear. “What were you thinking Jared? It’s bad enough that you were drinking underaged, but to drag Evan along with you? I’m glad you at least had the decency to call us last night, but if you think that’s going to get you out of trouble, then you are mistaken!”

Before Jared cold respond, Evan spoke up. “He didn’t force me to go. I don’t know what he told you when he called, but last night he probably saved my life by calling 911. Jared can be a bit of an idiot sometimes, but he’s a good friend.”

Heidi sighed. “I’m not happy to hear that you went to the party either. While I approve of you going out and meeting people, this isn’t what I had in mind.” “I know. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful in the future,” Evan replied. Heidi nodded. “I know baby, I know.” She hugged him again.

Jared looked pathetically at his mom. He knew that she was just worried about him and that she had every right to be mad. He was glad that Evan didn’t seem to be in trouble, but he wasn’t particularly looking forward to facing his mom’s wrath.

Mrs. Kleinman looked down at her son and sighed. She knew that Jared had a tendency to make poor life decisions, but at least this time he had done something to fix his mistakes. It also looked like he had learned some important lessons. The puffiness of his eyes also indicated how upset he was to see his friend that way. Maybe he had already been punished enough.

“I’m still disappointed in your decision to go out drinking last night, but I’m proud of you for calling for help and I’m glad that you let us know what happened. In the end you took responsibility for your actions and you looked out for your friend. I guess just this once I’ll let you off the hook. But don’t ever do something like this again!”

Jared smiled as his mom held him close. He supposed she was right. He messed up and hurt Evan, but he was trying now and that’s what mattered. He just had to make sure not to hurt him again.

Evan looked over at Jared hugging his mom and smiled. Things were going to be different now. Evan no longer doubted that Jared would treat him better than before. And now he understood some things about Jared that he had not before. Neither of them were perfect people and neither of them were without flaws. They were going to hurt each other and mess up, it was just a part of life. But Evan was no longer afraid of it. He and Jared cared about each other and together he had faith that they would be able to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this series is all one continuous flow of events, but each story in it is mostly self-contained. This means that Jared and Evan will continue to grow in their relationship and as people as the series goes on, but for the most part each story will be independent of the others. I’ll be getting the next one out pretty soon. I hope you liked this one!


End file.
